INHERITED CONDITION
«I want to live»,
starts the song by The Talking Heads
I fcking want to live!
Just got the news that my Mom's cancer is highly
Pervasive invasive whatever
Worst case scenario however
That she was saved by her rhumatologist when she prescribed an MRI scan
Because this ONE
This ONE
This fcking ONE cancer
Is horribly pervasive
Invasive
Active
Intrusive
Kills you so quickly
So strong it can just mutate
So quickly
I want to live
They say it's
HEREDITARY
HERESY
«I am only standing on the shore
I had some fun but I want more»
«I want to live
To feel the earth turn one more time»
«To feel a hand that is in mine...
I am only standing on the shore...»
I remember I had ONE
Orgasm
One orgasm in 10 years
Even 15 years
And the one I had
I remember I was pregnant
And alone
On this beige couch
This beige couch - I wondered why
he had chosen this colour
- so «salissante»
So fcking «salissante»
When we bought it way before I was first pregnant I remember I thought
«oh maybe it's not the fucking good colour if one day we happen to have children»
But I didn't say anything!
I fcking didn't say anything!
(How come! Are you crazy or what?)
So yes that was alone in the couch
I can see it still
I was pregnant
Like mid-term
I felt so hot
and I came with a dildo
A ceramic dildo made by
an artist
I remember it felt a bit strange
I thought: Mmmh this is very good but I am doing this alone, maybe I
should try to share that with him - but I never tried.
Today, suddenly, Otto, in the middle of the dinner, as I was trying
to make him tell about his day with me
to his Dad:
«Dad, you know: Mamie has a cancer»
Mamie has a cancer.
And at bedtime suddenly Ethel
crying «Maaaamiiiiie!...»
How come this be!!!
Obviously this will never prevent the cat from sleeping.
I just (re-?)discovered what the word orgasm feels like
and maybe those fcking pricks are going to
take off my fcking uterus?
utero?
uterus?
You bastards give me my pleasure back!
Leave me alone!
I want to live!
I want him to give me pleasure
I want to give pleasure to him
I want him to put his beautiful cork into my pussy
as long and as often as possible
i want him to play with my clit and whatever is possible
to play with
Let me fcking be!!!
Leave me alone!!!
I just decided I wanted to live, at last!
Let me be alive you bastards
Give me back my body
I won't let you unorgasm* me
* cf Anne Boyer, fantastic The Undying
I don't just fcking want to undie!!!
I fcking want to live now!
Ah, how stupid can this be.
How come we were raised like this.
Only capable to sacrify ourselves.
Thanks Mom, thanks dad!
«Why do we
Crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
I crucify myself...
My heart is sick of being in...
Chains...»
Tori Amos, Crucify
And then I want to keep feeling
the softness
Touching
Sensing
«the softness
of the leather
that runs smooth
on the passenger's seat...»
The Smiths, This Charming Man
«A cat named Easter
Said
Will you ever learn?»
Two years ago I read about
The story of those
Cancer cells from henrietta Lacks' utero
Her cancer was so fcking strong
Invasive
Pervasive
Intrusive
Active
That they took her cells
Her only cells multiplied so beautifully
So fcking beautifully
They spread
spread
spread it all over the world
To study cancer
They even threw them to space
to see what would happen to them
Hey I don't want to be a
Henrietta
I don't want to multiply like this
I want to caress his hand
kiss him
forever
Now is pleasure time for me
Nobody can decide it's death time for me
«In chains...»
I want to fcking live, you pricks!
Everybody says I'm strong
Everybody says my sisters are strong
Everybody says my Mom is strong
Everybody says my daughter is strong
Where are those fcking angels
When what I do is fcking good enough for him
- at last?
And the cat sleeping at my feet.
Linguee says:
HEREDITARY DISEASE
plus rare :
INHERITED CONDITION
INHERITED DISORDER
HEREDITARY ILLNESS
INHERITED ILLNESS
.
Jan 31, 2020